


we should probably be out saving the world or something

by Uncontinuous (nights_fang)



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Crack, Gen, I have no excuse for this, Memetic Badass In Universe Melinda May, Memo's from Nick Fury, Nick Fury's Memos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4618788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nights_fang/pseuds/Uncontinuous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Ten Email Memos Nick Fury personally sent to all S.H.I.E.L.D members regarding Melinda May</p>
            </blockquote>





	we should probably be out saving the world or something

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this is definitely jossed already but ugh fuck it. This is crack. And not to be taken seriously.
> 
> Except for the bit about Melinda May being a complete utter badass. Always take that as gospel truth.

 

**1\. - The Fanmail Incident.**

 

> Official Reminder to all Employees:
> 
> What we are: An organisation of elite soldiers, tactical experts, spies, and gifted individuals who operate worldwide.
> 
> What we are not: A bunch of smitten high school children who leave error ridden and badly written love notes, flowers and chocolates and twiddle our thumbs waiting to be noticed by our crush.
> 
> Fanmail of _any_ kind, flowers, eatables, others gifts to Melinda May is now banned. Get her something on her birthday if you’re so desperate
> 
> Anyone caught violating this will be stationed at Alaska for the next three years.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury
> 
>  

 

**+++**

 

**2.-  The Mulan Incident.**

 

> This to notify everyone of four things:
> 
>   1. Yes, Agent May was undercover at Disney. Yes Agent May did voice Mulan in the animated Disney Movie
>   2. This information was updated into SHIELD handbook for the new recruits a month after she was back from that mission. _Everyone else_ was notified about this as well.
>   3. _I will personally fire the next person who asks about this_.
>   4. No you’re still not allowed to leave her fanmail.
> 

> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury
> 
>  

 

**+++**

 

**3\. - The Pre-Birthday Memo**

 

> Reminder to all agents: The cap set for any and all birthday gifts you want to give Agent May is set at five dollars. Agent May has set this cap herself. She does not want a repeat of the last few years. She would honestly prefer if agents did not gift her _anything._
> 
> If you want to get her a gift _Do Not_ go over the five dollar limit.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury

 

 

**+++**

 

**4\. - The Hawkeye Incident.**

 

> Agent Barton _did not marry_ Agent May. Even falsely for undercover work. That was a joke they both played. Stop crying and get back to work. You are all supposed to be Agents.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury
> 
>  

 

> [PVT to: Agent Romanoff and Hill.
> 
> Fine, you both won that bet. Get them to stop before they bring down all of SHIELD in despair. And neither of you are allowed to spread the rumour that Mel got married to Natasha, unless you want a revolt on our hands.]

 

 

**+++**

 

**5\. - Re: Work**

 

> The solution to any problem is not “Melinda May”. If that was the case none of you would have a job, but since you all do I expect you to _do it_.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury.

 

 

**+++**

 

**6\. - The Pre-Birthday Memo part deux**

 

> Reminder: _Under no circumstances are there to be **any** birthday gifts for Agent May_. If there are you’re getting transfered to Alaska. 
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury

 

 

**+++**

 

**7\. - The You Know What Incident.**

 

> Yes, Agent May is now married. She is also monogamous and genuinely committed.
> 
> Get over it.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury

 

 

**+++**

 

**8\. - Bahrain**

 

> Reminder: Agent May’s codename is not “The Cavalry”. The Bahrain report is classified. Refrain from talking about both.
> 
> And I’m not investigating or entertaining any complaints about agents who sustained injuries after calling her that within earshot of certain level 7 agents.
> 
> You deserved it.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury.

 

**+++**

 

**9\. - The “Announcement” re: Agent May**

 

> Yes, she’s divorced. No she doesn’t want to date anyone. Black Widow informs me that anyone who tries to proposition her or ask her out on a date is getting stabbed. I won’t stop her.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury

 

**+++**

 

**10\. - The Other Incident**

 

> Oh for fuck’s sake Agents May and Romanoff are not dating, so stop moping and get back to work. You’d think we don’t have an organisation to rebuild with all the gossip that happens around here.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Director Nick Fury


End file.
